karolinapaigexx's Blog

Can't sleep

I can't sleep. Have too much on my mind so im just using this to let it all out, firstly i keep reliving my rape that happened last week. It's horrible the thoughts just keep going around my head and i can't stop blaming myself. What if I did this, what if i did that it would have been different. Need to get over it but tbh I just can't. Don't think I ever will be able to :( Even though deep down I know what happened wasn't my fault I still feel as if it is, because I was drunk I feel so pissed off with myself for drinking as much as I did, pissed off with the people there who didn't take more care of me to make sure nothing happened, Just keep holding all the sadness in about it and its getting too much now, lying in my bed at 1am writing this and crying really isn't a nice feeling :( also the other thing that's bugging me is this boy, now tbh I love him and i know love is a strong word but yano when you can just tell its not just a 'crush'? Ye well, anyway, he says he likes me alot too which is good cus that's what you want for someone to like you back, but problem is he likes this other girl too, now it hurts me so much because when she's not there to be with him if they fall out he comes to me and says i love you so much and he's just got back with her like four days ago but they ended again tonight. He won't tel me why and no matter how much I ask he won't say, makes me feel like shit cus i think he can't trust me or something, it just hurts because of the distance we cant be together , i know i could make him so much happier because we never fight or argue. i stick by him all the time through everything don't judge him for anything he does and supports all dessisions he makes, it hurts to see him sad and the fact he won't even tell me why doesn't help, i just want to be able to hold him and falls asleep with him and all that cute shit but we can't 3 plus even if we could he'd be wishing it was her not me :'( hurts so much

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Can't sleep, posted January 6th, 2013

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